by Andy Pierson
I bet that Van Gogh guy cut off his ear by
accident and made up that “lost love” story
so he wouldn’t look stupid.
I bet Leonardo da Vinci was naked when he
painted the Mona Lisa ’cause that’s the same
smirk my wife has when she sees me naked.
I bet the Washington Monument would look
a lot different if ol’George had been
I bet if a guy could wag his penis the same way a
dog wags his tail, it would add a whole new
meaning to “I’m so happy to see you.”
I bet the exclamation mark was derived
from the shape of the excrement cavemen
left on the trail when something scared ‘em
I wish that the leaves would fly south every
fall and the birds would die and fall to the
ground. That way I could get my cat to do
all the raking.
Snakes are God’s way of saying:
Hey, look! A snake!
I taught my parrot to say “Put the money in the
bag and no one gets hurt!” That way if I’m ever
collared, they can only try me as an accomplice.
Really good magicians leave church with a little
more money than they came in with.
I bet if I stick a FORK in someone’s eye, I
won’t have to eat at the kids’ table again next
I bet there are little men in the walls that are in
charge of the electrical outlets. I see one is on a
smoke break right now.
I bet the reason that parents don’t name their
daughters “Mom” is because they’re afraid no
one would ask ‘em to the prom.
I bet stray cracks in the sidewalk are caused
by people stepping on their mother’s back.
We will never become a truly paper-less society
until the Palm Pilot folks come out with
I have a lot in common with Mark Twain. I too
sit on the porch and smoke cigars. However, I
bet he didn’t think to jot down his ideas on the
heels of his sneakers.
I think I’ve got this figured out: If the woman
has a rose in her teeth, it’s a tango.
I bet fewer airplanes would crash into
buildings if we put signs on ‘em that said
I am, I said. To no one there. And no one
turned at all, not even the chair. Which was
quite surprising, because the chair usually has
some wise-assed comeback for every little
thing I say.
I had to come up with a little trick because my
dog doesn’t like going to the Vet. I just say:
“Hey Bounder! The Vet just called, I think he
wants to give your testicles back.”
I bet Mr. T wouldn’t be such a tough guy, if he
were known as Mr. Tea.
Copyright © 2000-2008 Andy Pierson
All Rights Reserved
Author’s 2000 Bio:
Andy Pierson started out as a “Real Live Cowboy” from New Mexico. After four years in the U.S. Navy he moved to Maryland, and in 1981 became a Systems Analyst (“because the retirement plan was better than that cowboy gig”). He is currently touring southern Maryland as a “World Renowned Pub and Bar Magician.” Andy kept his day job because he is “a prisoner of that great retirement plan”. You can read more of Andy’s writing on his Web site or contact him by e-mail.
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