Ode to Laura Lemay

The Inspiration:

Bruce Epstein’s Ode to Laura Lemay was pulled from a frayed thread in the Computer Book Publishing List. That ode is reprinted here with permission from its author and an acknowledgment from its inspiration that even though she doesn’t “have problems with … reposting Bruce’s odes, I kind of wish Bruce would find a more productive use of his time, though…. ”

Ode To Laura Lemay

By Bruce Epstein

I am become death

I lay waste to the birds and the bees

For I am Laura Lemay

And I am a Killer of Trees

I scoff at the Lorax

And cut off oaks at their knees

For I am Laura Lemay

And I am a Killer of Trees

I expunge entire ecosystems

Fell whole forests in twos and in threes

For I am Laura Lemay

And I am a Killer of Trees

I eat paper for lunch, and pulp for dinner,

They grace my plate alongside my peas

For I am Laura Lemay

And I am a Killer of Trees

I never recycle

And litter whenever I please

For I am Laura Lemay

And I am a Killer of Trees

I march to my own beat

There are no gods I appease

For I am Laura Lemay

And I am a Killer of Trees

I import rare hardwoods

Despite the high excise fees

For I am Laura Lemay

And I am a Killer of Trees

I think never of you’s

And think always of me’s

For I am Laura Lemay

And I am a Killer of Trees

You offer no, nos

But I counter with oiu’s

For I am Laura Lemay

And I am a Killer of Trees

I trample o’er natives

From the Sioux to the Crees

For I am Laura Lemay

And I am a Killer of Trees

I encourage global warming

And love rising seas

For I am Laura Lemay

And I am a Killer of Trees

I’m hopped up on caffeine

From cokes, coffees and teas

For I am Laura Lemay

And I am a Killer of Trees

I fill page after page with letters

The Q’s and the R’s, the S’s and Z’s

For I am Laura Lemay

And I am a Killer of Trees

I hold some truths to be self-evident

But hold none dearer than these

That I am Laura Lemay

And that I am a Killer of Trees

Copyright © 1997-2008 Bruce Epstein
All rights reserved.

Author bio:

“Bruce “the Moose” Epstein is a self-proclaimed Computer Book Publishing List Gadfly & Mayor of BusyTown. According to Bruce Epstein, he is “better-looking, wittier, more talented, and humbler than you.” He invites everyone to visit his Web site for proof that he is “also a liar.”

Also be sure to visit the Laura Lemay personal Web site.

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